She is the chair of the complaint committee

A few hours after having my root canal pulled out without anaesthetic, despite my constant reminders to the dentist that I need pain management, the shock has started to subside a bit. And confusion started to creep up in its place.

Why did she do that? 

Not once, not twice. But thrice.

I could picture her having been in a similar situation — someone, whom she trusted to care for her wellbeing, had done the exact opposite. 

Did she think that's what care looks like. Did she know that it doesn't, and felt confused. Did she feel powerless and vowed to never cause such pain to another. Or on the contrary — that now she is to do what's been done to her.

I lodged a complaint later. I felt it was my duty of care that no other patient should have to go through the same experience. Instead of acknowledgement of her actions, my complaint was dismissed as unreasonable, and me — as too sensitive. Emotional ?

… even though my body's reaction was automatic. It wasn't my conscious decision to faint — it never is. So probably it wasn't me who was irrational after all.

Photo by Nico Knaack on Unsplash 

Back then nothing happened to her abuser. They denied or blamed her for her reaction to the abuse. Or she saw them walking away with no consequences of their actions. Or they offered a ‘non-apology’ apology. Or saw others defend them. Or all of these.

And then she had experienced the same thing that I did — the system protecting itself. In that moment, reading their response, I felt what she might have felt. Did she recognise it for what it was. Or did she simply understand that she, too, will be protected one day.

She is the chair of the complaint committee after all.

Why did she do it?

It was important for me to figure it out. Because if I did, maybe next time I could predict it. And if I predict it, I could prevent it. And if I prevent it, I will be safe. 

But could I really.

Once she's already decided how she's going to use her power.

If you work within a system like this — or lead one — and want to explore what's actually happening beneath the surface, I'd welcome the conversation.