'Have you thought about why you are a match to this experience?'

‘How am I supposed to do my job now?’, she said — while I was about to lose consciousness in the dentist’s chair, after she pulled my nerve without anaesthetic.

I remember someone telling me that same day that the most painful thing they'd ever experienced at the dentist was the anaesthetic itself. That, of course, was a well-meaning attempt to make me feel better about not receiving it. However, to me, it just confirmed that the anaesthetic is doing exactly what it is intended to do. And I didn't get it.

The more people I talked to about it, the more I was able to process it. It wasn't until someone referred to the dentist as 'a butcher' that it fully landed — this really shouldn't have happened. 

And it was absolutely avoidable.

The more people named it accurately, the more I could feel what had actually happened. I was starting to find my footing again.

My friend said something that stays with me to this day: ‘That has never happened to me. Have you thought about why you are a match to this experience?’

Was that the most supportive thing she could have said hours after it happened? Was she even trying to be supportive? 

Or was she trying to soothe her own anxiety — reassuring herself that this would never happen to her.

She is not a match to such an experience. Unlike me.

This question so elegantly places the responsibility for someone else's actions back on me that it almost sounds like an insight.

A sophisticated attempt to regain agency. If it is my fault, it won't happen to her. The system remains intact. And so does her sense of safety.

Unlike the other more direct ways of dismissing my experience, this one came dressed as spiritual wisdom by a person who means well.

If you've been on the receiving end of something like this and want somewhere to bring it — you're welcome to get in touch.